Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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