glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
