For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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