i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
