Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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