I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
wow bdsm is so cute
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
