I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Come on in and take your pants off
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