Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
