i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
