He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
