my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
