I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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