Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
