I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You are a genius and a whore.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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