he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Randomize
