I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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