Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
