If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
