Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
