If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
