cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
