omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
