One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
