Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
