So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
