I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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