just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
