Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
He felt like a one man threesome
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize