Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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