nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
