Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
