i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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