Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
