Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
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