I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
