I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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