so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
They are going to name an STD after you.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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