You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
