I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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