I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
