she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Randomize
