Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
