Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
