I am full of burrito and curiosity
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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