Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I could make wine with my vomit
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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