I have demons in me.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
