My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
