Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
