If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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