ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
