So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
