Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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