You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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