capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
