im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
