You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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