I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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