Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
